It is like an epidemic in our time, most especially in North
America where we live: The significant impact of having grown
up under the authority of narcissistic personalities. They were
a parent to us, teachers, bosses and authorities to whom we gave
our power. We felt trapped and we either rebelled with a great
rage detrimental and heavily miserable to ourselves and to others;
or we obeyed, became submissive to their demands that we "must
align" with their will and control over us, rather than
with the power we can feel from within our core. Either way,
we denied our inner power and allowed them to control us.
We didn't know and we failed to connect with our own inner-power,
surrendering it to be used and abused by another person who experienced
themselves as "center of the universe" and who couldn't
sense or respect the separation that naturally exists between
different beings although we are also all connected at an energetic
level. The narcissist's ego is experienced as all powerful,
with a grandiose sense of "perfect" self. Appearances
are much more important to them than substance. They crave attention
and admiration from everyone around them. They display arrogance
and self-centeredness in their inter-relationships. They expect
immediate special attention and compliance from others. They
won't receive or accept criticisms because they do not know their
ability to cope with the shame they would experience within.
Shame is to be avoided at all cost. They project shame outwardly
and blame others, rationalize and justify all they do or choose
to present without any reproach . Only their perspective and
views can be right. They feel threatened by a different approach,
point of view or choice. If you do not experience, feel, think
or choose like they do, then, in their view, there is something
wrong with you and you may come to face their narcissistic rage
and disdain. Even your memories must be controlled to align
with their own, because they cannot cope with the difference.
Narcissists cannot cope well with anything different from their
own limited experience of self. They experience others as extensions
of their will, just like all babies do at their most vulnerable
stage of life. The vulnerability is so great within that it
is unbearable. Therefore, to ease their great fears and inner
despair, their deep sense of powerlessness, they move into the
sense of super power and perfection. In fact, the narcissist
is stuck at a very immature developmental stage, with an illusion
of super power, grandeur and perfection that they project outwardly
and desperately seek in the external world through their relentless
acquisition of power, beauty, status, money, things, even people.
They like to possess people. They actually often do well in
all of their acquisitive pursuits. They can become great achievers.
However, because they can experience no separation, they can
never feel connection or even empathy with another person. They
often exploit and manipulate without guilt; an emotion they do
not have the maturity to experience. They do feel a deep sense
of being alone, always alone. It is a very lonely existence
for both the narcissist and for the person sharing a life with
them.
To successfully relate with a narcissist, especially in more
intimate relationships, like a marital partnership, as a child
or close friend, one can choose to feed him/her constant attention
and admiration, always remain focused on the "specialness"
and immediate needs of the narcissist; always deferring to their
rightfulness. They must accept to bask in the shadow of the
"great one" and provide them with unfailing support.
Except for the honeymoon phase of many relationships where such
treatment is considered more normal, it is a very difficult long
term existence for anyone who cares to have a separate identify
and life. Every situation is very much a one way street affair
all to meet the narcissist's needs.
Another approach, if not involved too intimately with the
narcissist, is to learn to set some reasonable and firm boundaries
as well as work towards reciprocal agreements whenever possible.
That is, always negotiate some win for yourself if you are going
to give anything to him/her. This helps train the narcissist
to better respect you. It is very demanding, but absolutely
necessary to avoid being taken to the cleaner, so to speak.
At a most basic level, the narcissists have not yet developed
their ability to connect with the inner power at their core;
instead, they seek it externally, constantly robbing others of
their inner experiences, truth and power. They exist through
the power they hold over others. Because they do not know their
power to really accept responsibility without getting lost in
unbearable shame, they project all responsibility and blame outwardly.
If we are unaware of the dynamic at play, we may come to believe
that they are so much more powerful and perfect than we are next
to them. We may look up to them and come to experience our deepest
vulnerability next to them, a sense that something is very wrong,
or inferior with our self. It is easy to see why a child would
choose to surrender their power to such a parent. A child's
dependence is so great, their vulnerability so real. They need
to experience a sense that someone is in control, can protect
and provide for them. Because they present as "all powerful",
as "perfect" beings and almost "Godlike",
the bond between a child and a narcissistic parent is often very
strong. That is until a child needs to experience a bit of separation.
When a child starts to experience this sense of being a separate
entity, and takes a slight risk to move away, the narcissistic
parent/authority comes back and strongly imposes their will and
control. The child is not allowed to exist separately. The
child is expected to remain an extension of this narcissist's
will. The control becomes suffocating to the growing and developing
child. The child is not allowed to exist for himself/herself.
From such an experience, the child may submit and becomes
controlled by the external demands. S/he learns to become very
attuned and aligned to meet such expectations, and will stop
at nothing in his/her desperate efforts to please and experience
the loving connection with the narcissistic parent/authority
figure in their life. This will happen to the point of self-detriment
and often a total loss of self, presenting us with a child/person
who performs very well and is great at meeting external expectations
and needs. This child will often be recognized as a model child/person
to the uneducated observer. They often develop keen intuitive
and empathetic abilities which become essential to their survival.
They often display great care-giving focus in their pursuits,
yet will fail to connect with their own needs and limits. It
is just a matter of time before they fall to "dis-ease"
and must learn to face their own true self.
Alternatively, a child may learn to keep distance, avoid
to the point of becoming isolated and feeling deeply wounded,
rebelling and rejecting such control with great rage, often
feeling lost and abandoned to their own vulnerability that no-one
has helped them face. They experience a great sense of fear
and inadequacy in the use of their own inner power. They may
turn to alcohol, drugs, or other addictions to escape such painful
experiences.
Either way, there is a great need to recognize the loss of
self, the deep wounds that pervade the inner experiences of these
children who grow up to be deeply distrusting and fearful of
intimacy and will encounter major difficulties in their intimate
relationships, most especially marriage.
You can probably start to recognize such narcissists in your
life. You may see some of them in the highest levels of governments,
at the top of organizations, as judges, engineers, movie stars,
sports figures, teachers, religious leaders, maybe even one of
your parents, a marital partner or a close friend. You may see
how this dynamic is also at play with some sects, religious groups
or political affiliations. May be you recognize yourself as
one of these children, still unable to affirm your own separate
existence as an adult or unable to establish satisfying intimacy
with a potential partner. The pain is real and it runs deep
within your core, so deep. The life and love within you are
screaming to get out, but they are blocked by fear of disappointing,
hurting, or creating conflicts that you can't see yourself able
to manage. You feel "never good enough", abandoned,
powerless, helpless and naturally anxious and/or depressed. Your
self-esteem is low, your confidence just as low. Your life feels
like a sacrifice where you are the sad victim. Or maybe, you
feel this rage within that you can't let go and often project
on other people without really knowing why? The guilt weights
heavy on you and you feel rejected, not heard and disrespected
in your needs, a sense that there must be something wrong with
you, that you must be a bad person because you could never satisfy
this narcissist in your life and gain the connection you needed
to grow up yourself.
The truth is no one can ever satisfy the needs of a narcissist.
For a while maybe, we can come to meet some needs, but never
much more than that. There is always a point when most of us
experience the wrath of the unsatisfied narcissist. Their control
is often experienced like the tentacles of an octopus penetrating
and invading our whole being and using us as little puppets to
achieve their own ends. Our existence and even our right to
exist as separate beings is suffocated by their desperate lack
of inner-connection with the power that feeds all of our beings
in our separate and individual bodies.
Now, it is important to understand that a narcissistic person
doesn't consciously choose to operate in this manner. That is
a personality disorder reflecting significant blockage in their
development. It is often related to poor parenting influences
at a most tender age. It is a sad situation with very tragic
outcomes.
It is also important to realize that although you may carry
significant wounds from your experience with narcissism, you
do not have to remain a victim unless you actually choose to
be. To accept being a victim is an unconscious choice for you
as much as for the narcissist. You need to become aware, face
it and accept responsibility for changing that deep victimizing
choice in your psyche. As a child, you likely saw no other way
to survive and there was not much else you could have done unless
an enlightened adult could have guided you. Now, you can open
yourself to some new opportunities. As an adult with power,
you can awaken and learn some new ways to respond. In fact,
your encounter with narcissists may well become your means to
a new path towards reclaiming and learning to become your true
self. You could learn to move beyond your anger and your fears
including a fear of anger - to find your own core power,
your own truth and loving choices. You could become a manifestation
and expression of your highest and divine self. That could be
the gift, the silver lining in your darkest clouds.
If you are a narcissist yourself, you likely choose to dismiss
much of what I have said. You can't accept my views as valid.
Maybe, I touched something in you that makes you feel disdainful
or very angry because my words are too painful and unbearable
to look at for you. You need to push me away, protect, deny
and make me the "crazy" person. Anyway, I must give
you credit for reading this far. Maybe you heard people around
you point to narcissistic traits in yourself and you dismissed
them and their words too. You are not a big villain or to blame.
It could be wise for you to seek help, even though if is doubtful
that you would experience such need in your own sense of perfection
and denial. Seeking professional counseling and choosing to
surrender fully to the process could allow you to find an opportunity
to move beyond such a very limiting developmental stage. It
could allow you to learn, face and accept some of your vulnerabilities,
your inner emotions and experiences; learn where your limits
and true power lie. Maybe, you could even gain an ability to
experience your separation from others - how they are naturally
and wonderfully different from you - and the most fulfilling
joys of connection and empathy that exist beyond a self-centered
existence. I wish all of it for you.
Here is one exercise I often use
to help people start to reclaim and experience their own inner
self, connect with their internal source of power, allowing them
healing and growth again.
First, before you engage this exercise, you must find
yourself in a place where you are and feel safe. Also, choose
a quiet time. Bedtime and waking time are often good options,
although there may be many other times when it could become beneficial
to you.
- Close your eyes and bring your focus on your breathing.
- Inhale and breathe in as deeply as you can, filling your lower
diaphragm as fully as you can.
- Hold and count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6, before you start to
- Exhale slowly through your mouth, letting your jaw drop, letting
go of all the air you hold within.
- Again, count 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6.
- Repeat this deep breathing at least 3-4 times until you start
to feel very relaxed.
- With the next inhalation, you will imagine there is a big
source of light above your head, like a big sun or star.
- Imagine there is a large ray of white, bright, intense light
coming from that source to the top of your head; gently, entering
by the top of your head and filling your whole head space with
white, bright and intense light. Feel the warmth, the energy
that feeds and helps balance your whole head space where your
brain is. Bring thanks and gratitude to your brain for all the
great work it does to keep you alive and insure as much wellness
as possible for you. Let it know that you are perfectly safe
and content in this moment, here and now. Let go of any pains,
tensions or regrets with your exhaling breath.
- Imagine this light filling more and more of your body with
each new breath, and releasing more pains, tensions and regrets
with each additional breath. Feel the gratitude in your body
for all each of its parts do to keep you alive and as well as
possible given the resources at its disposition.
With your next breath, experience the edges of your body.
Experience your body as a container that holds all of your life
energy. Feel the back edges the front edges the sides. Become
conscious of the energy that feeds you from the top of your head,
fills your whole body-container and grounds you through the bottom
of your seat and of your feet all the way to the center of the
Earth. This energy keeps you connected and grounded on this
planet.
As you exhale, do it from the bottom of your feet all
the way through the top of your head. Surrender all tension,
pain, regrets, all toxicity you may still hold inside you release
it all to the universe outside of you. Consciously keep the
positive learning and growing elements and release all that is
no longer necessary to you. Invite your body to heal and balance
its various parts.
Pay special attention to any tension and become present
to this experience. Send light, love and gratitude, ask for
guidance and listen listen very deeply, as deeply as you can.
Repeat such breathing until you start to experience your body
as lighter and brighter, yet well groundedwith a sense of heavy-weightlessness.
Feel gratitude for the life energy within your core. Come back
feeling refreshed and energized with a greater sense of energetic
balance within.
Wishing you well and deeply contented!
Susie Legault
Susie Legault is a counseling psychologist
in private practice. She finds meaning and fulfillment in her
work.
She has a passion for life, conscious creation and assisting
others in their own learning and growing journeys.
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