One of the biggest lessons on the spiritual journey is learning
to love unconditionally. However, what is often overlooked, is
the importance of loving yourself along with everything else.
After all, aren't you a part of the whole of Life? Here is a
wonderful Japanese poem - a haiku - which illustrates this point.
"On my horse, clip-clopping through the field. Oho! I'm
part of the picture!" As you begin to discover that you
are an integral part of Life's grand picture, it becomes clear
that learning to love yourself along with everything else is
part of the curriculum.
Some of you may feel uncomfortable with the idea of self
love, because it's often interpreted as being overly self involved.
Many religions teach that total selflessness is the ideal, and
that self love is the antithesis of being selfless. I'm not at
all knocking selflessness, but is self love really opposed to
selflessness? And is it the same as being too self involved?
What actually is self love?
Self love is largely a matter of unconditional self acceptance,
with a bit of appreciation and compassion for oneself thrown
in. Can you accept yourself unconditionally... that is, without
having to fulfill certain conditions, or live up to some particular
standard? If not, what do you have to do or be, to fully accept
yourself? Do you have to be successful? Do you have to look a
certain way? Do you have to be giving all the time? Do you have
to be constantly productive? The list of conditions we may attach
to self acceptance goes on and on.
What are Your Conditions for Self Love?
If you take a deep and honest look inside yourself, you may
find that your conditions for loving yourself are very similar
to the (spoken or unspoken) conditions that your parents attached
to their love and approval. The idea here, is not to put the
blame on your parents. Like most humans, they were probably doing
the best they could within their limited framework. And, believe
it or not, you chose them to play a necessary role in your spiritual
growth.
However, the common tendency is to adopt these parental conditions
as our own conditions for loving ourselves. As we take on these
conditions, another interesting dynamic often occurs. We tend
to project these conditions for being loved onto Spirit. Somewhere
deep in our consciousness, the belief develops that "God
will only love me if I'm _______________." (Fill in the
blank with whatever conditions you discover.) Of course this
belief is absolutely erroneous, because the Universal Spirit's
love is absolutely unconditional.
But in our minds - generally our subconscious minds - our
parents' conditions for loving us, Spirit's conditions for loving
us, and our own conditions for loving ourselves, all become intertwined.
As a result, we may go through life constantly striving to meet
these conditions, as an unconscious attempt to earn the love
of Spirit, family, and self. And because the conditions are rarely
attained in full, healthy self love remains elusive.
Self Love Shortage and its Effects
What are the major effects of not loving ourselves?
1. It makes it difficult to truly love others. This is because
we tend to judge them by the same conditions with which we judge
ourselves.
2. It makes it difficult for us to accept love from another,
because if we don't fit our conditions for self love, we tend
to feel that we are not lovable.
3. A shortage of self love also tends to pose a major obstacle
to creating the life we hope for. If we believe we are not acceptable
to Spirit, we naturally assume that we don't deserve Life's abundant
gifts and the loving support of the Universe in our undertakings.
This deep belief unconsciously sends a negative message to the
Universe - a command to the cosmic computer - saying in essence,
"I'm not worthy. So no matter how much I might ask, or pray,
or whine, do not fulfill my hopes and dreams." In this way,
we punish ourselves by sabotaging our own efforts. Spirit never
punishes us, but we can do a remarkably good job of punishing
ourselves.
On the other hand, what are the positive effects of loving
yourself? If you have a healthy sense of self love, you will
find it much easier to love others, and much easier to accept
the love of others. When you love yourself, you feel deserving
of the good things in life and the powerful support of the Universe.
This naturally opens the door for your hopes and dreams to be
fulfilled more easily, and for your life to proceed with more
green lights than red.
Cultivating Self Love
Here are some exercises you can do for developing greater
self love.
1. Deepening your awareness.
That means doing a bit of honest soul-searching... asking yourself,
"Is there a shortage of self love in my life? And if so,
why?... what are the underlying dynamics?" There are a number
of ways to shine a light into the unconscious caverns of your
mind... quiet reflection, talking it out with a trusted friend
or therapist, or writing in a journal are all good approaches.
What works best for you?
2. Convincing your conscious and subconscious
mind that Spirit is unconditionally loving. A willingness
to re-examine and toss out old beliefs, and to accept this new
belief, is usually sufficient for your conscious mind. However,
your subconscious mind - which stores information much like a
computer - may need a bit of "re-programming." The
daily repetition of a positive affirmation - such as "Spirit
is unconditionally loving" - is one of the most commonly
used methods for this. Affirmations can be written, spoken aloud,
or repeated mentally. Self hypnosis is also a widely used method
for re-programming the subconscious mind.
3. Making a list of all your positive
qualities. Even though you are cultivating "unconditional"
self acceptance, this helps create a shift toward thinking of
yourself in a more positive light.
4. Meditating on self love. Here
is a simple meditation for learning to accept and appreciate
yourself just as you are.
This meditation is done from the perspective of your "Spiritual
Self." Your Spiritual Self is the quiet, knowing, non-judging
observer within you. All the rest of you... your body, mind,
emotions, personal traits, etc., we will refer to as your "personality."
Just for this exercise, think of your personality as a separate
person from your Spiritual Self.
* Sit comfortably and close your eyes (after you have read
these instructions).
* Now begin to observe your personality... notice your thoughts,
your emotions, how your body feels, etc..
* Take some time to get aquainted with your personality.
Objectively think about its various characteristics.
* Next, imagine that your personality is your child, and
that you are its parent.
* See this child as a perfect creation of Spirit... still
growing into its highest potential, but perfect at whatever stage
it's now at.
* Accept your child as it is... accept it completely, just
as it is.
* Look at your child - with all its strengths and positive
traits, as well as its various weaknesses and follies - with
appreciation and compassion.
* Open your heart and embrace this child with complete, unconditional
love.
Practicing any or all of the above exercises will help deepen
your self love. Although encountering challenges along the way
is an integral part the spiritual journey, you will find that
healthy self love can be a tremendous aid in smoothing out the
rough and rocky stretches of your path.
Jim Malloy E-Mail: jmalloy@meditationcenter.com Copyright © 1998-2002 The Worldwide Online
Meditation Center. http://www.meditationcenter.com All Rights
Reserved.
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By Jim Malloy