Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating
and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully
have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with
another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional
wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is
here that we most deeply get to know ourselves.
There are millions of books out there on different ways to attract
your soul mate and how to make them not run for the hills once
he/she gets there. I've read them in my search for that elusive
key to unlock the mysteries of romance, and I will tell you that
manipulation and control never create a meaningful and lasting
relationship, and they certainly will not bring you peace.
So what does?
Well, I am still not so sure. Actually, this article is a
compilation of my experience of what works and what doesn't work
in the world of love, at least for me. Love is a tough nut to
crack. There are always new mountains to climb and valleys to
transverse. It's a never-ending learning process.
I do not believe that there is an exact recipe for success for
romantic relationships that fits every human being, as we are
all very different. But, I do believe that there are several
key factors that help keep human beings centered when they are
brave enough to enter into a relationship.
In no particular order, I present them to you below:
~Practice Self-Acceptance~
Nobody is perfect. As human beings we have many different
pieces that make up the entire puzzle of who we are. It is imperative
that we explore the different aspects of our personalities: the
good, the bad, and the ugly, in order to come to understand and
have compassion for ourselves, so we can fully experience real
love.
Relationships are the great mirrors to our souls. Our "stuff"
will always be reflected back to us through our intimate partners.
Soul mates push buttons. If there are things about ourselves
that we do not accept, we cannot expect our intimate partners
to accept them either. It's spiritually impossible. There are
so many rewards that come with self-acceptance, one of them being
less emotional walls to scale in a relationship, which means
there will be much more positive energy circulating within the
partnership.
~Focus on Your Essence~
There is a lot of pressure in society today to look and be
a certain way. Having the body of a Victoria Secret's model,
a big paycheck, a high-class car, designer clothes, etcare not
the things of which an authentic relationship are built. They
might be attractive and enticing, but they have no long-term
staying power if you want the real thing.
We fall in love with each other's essence. Your essence is an
intangible item that is not of this world. It is very powerful
and at it's core, always beautiful. It is your soul.
When you focus on your essence, you begin to realize that you
don't have to be or look a certain way, or have the best toys,
to be the most magnetic person in the room. When you focus on
your essence you are less likely to forget who you are, as many
of us do, when you begin to fall in love with someone. This keeps
the dynamics of the relationship much more interesting and positive.
You don't lose you.
~Think Open Hand/Open Heart~
In simple terms: do not try to control your partner or the
outcome of the relationship. This is tough, as we all have a
picture in our minds of the way we think things are "supposed"
to be, and can get pretty nasty and insecure when they start
looking differently.
Control is a major issue in many relationships. It is very scary
to take your hands off the wheel when you have an emotional investment
in a relationship, but it is imperative to do so. Trying to control
your relationship will most likely elicit the exact opposite
response of what you would like to happen in the first place.
Intuitively we know this, yet we do it anyway. We just can't
seem to help ourselves, but we must! I am speaking from experience.
This is where my wounds surface with a vengeance.
When I find myself wallowing in this dark place now, I tell myself
to think "open hand/open heart." This means no clutching,
emotionally or physically.
I visualize the essence of the relationship as a room and in
this room is a door and several windows. In an unhealthy relationship,
the doors and the windows are closed tightly. No air is circulating,
and eventually the people in the room (relationship) either emotionally
die or break one of the windows to run for the hills in order
to be free.
A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows wide
open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped.
Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and
windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all
the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave.
Trust that truth.
~Have Other Passions Besides Him/Her~
Nothing will suck the life out of romance then having no
other interests in this world other then your mate.
Get a hobby! Do the things you love to do. By nurturing yourself,
you will have more to give your partner. Learn to play golf,
play your favorite sport, write a book, take up tennis, go back
to school, or read a new book. Just do something other then focusing
on the relationship. In other words, get a life!
~Go for FriendshipSee his/her Soul~
Sexual chemistry is an amazing phenomenon as far as I am
concerned. It is wonderful, fabulous, incredibly important, and
all those sorts of things, but it will not sustain a relationship
forever.
Love changes over time. The initial hot passion you might feel
for a person at the beginning of a relationship will mellow out
over time and be replaced by something much more magnificent.
Being true friends with your intimate partner enriches all facets
of the relationship, including sex. When you look at your partner,
try to see beyond the physical and peer into his/her soul. Connect
with them on a soul level, and you will find that communication
will flow more freely, and the trust level between you will increase.
Most importantly you will build your relationship on the most
solid foundation that exists in the universe today...friendship.
~Love Lives Inside Of You! Nothing
Outside Yourself Will Bring You Happiness~
You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Many
times we unconsciously seek a romantic relationship to fill the
empty spaces in our lives and hearts. This never works. In fact,
we end up setting ourselves up for major disappointment when
we come from this empty place.
No one, no matter how wonderful they are, can meet all of our
expectations at every moment of every day. It is impossible.
So what are we to do?
Stop looking for love in all the wrong places! Love
lives inside of you. If you rely on yourself to fill the empty
spaces, you will take a lot of pressure off of your spouse, which
in turn can only enhance the relationship.
Fill the empty spaces in your heart. Love yourself. Accept yourself.
Comfort yourself. Be what you are seeking to find. Be whole on
your own, and then share that wholeness with your partner.
~Live in the Moment~
Hold a vision for your relationship, but be flexible. When
you are spending time with your partnerspend time with your partner.
Many times we allow our minds to be off in the distant uncertain
future somewhere, wondering what is going to happen with the
relationship six months, one year or five years from now, instead
of enjoying the present moment. This frame of mind breeds insecurity,
In the song All the Way, one of my favorite Frank Sinatra
tunes, Frank sings, "who knows where the road may lead
us, only a fool would say." Listen to Frank. Don't worry
about where the road may lead, just be present for the trip.
We must have faith that the universe knows what it is doing.
Let go and enjoy the journey, knowing that wherever you end up
will be the perfect place.
~Walk Through Your Wounds When They
Surface~
There is nothing like an intimate relationship to push your
hot buttons. A true mate will bring your issues to the surface
for sure. As uncomfortable as this is, it is actually a wonderful
thing. If fact, if you are with someone, that doesn't make your
insecurities rise to the surface from time to time, I'd be concerned.
It's not natural. People say that love should be easy, but let's
face it, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.
When these wounded moments arrive, as they surely will, try to
see the situation as an opportunity to release the things that
have held you back in the past. Name what you are feeling when
your wounds surface. Fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy,
fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment, come up for most
of us at one time or another. This is part of being human and
nothing that we should be avoiding. If we avoid processing the
feelings, we will never get past them.
Once you know what the wound is, walk right through it. Walk
through your fear of being close to someone. Just acknowledge
it's presence and keep on moving forward. Don't shrink back from
the uncomfortable emotions. Once you allow yourself to walk through
the wounds, you will see that you are strong enough to endure
them, and they will lose their power over you.
~Practice the Golden Rule~
How many times did we hear from our parents when we were
growing up recite the Golden Rule? "Do unto others, as you
would like to have done to you." Makes sense doesn't it?
But yet we do not always practice it, particularly when it comes
to our romantic partners.
Think about the other person. Think about their feelings, their
history, their wounds, and their visions, besides your own. Do
things in the spirit of love, forgiveness, and understanding.
~Get A Daily Dose Of Spirit~
In the past, I've been most likely to throw my spiritual
values out the window when I got romantically involved with someone.
I wanted to do it my way, not God's way. His way after all, might
mean the relationship wouldn't fit the mold of what I thought
it should be.
I've learned to do things differently recently. My spiritual
life comes first. This key helps all the other key principles
mentioned above work in sync together. Believing in a power that
is bigger then yourself and believing that this universe is perfect,
no matter how terrible it may look at times, will help make inner
peace a regular part of your daily experience. Peace will prevail
in life and relationships, instead of fear. Definitely something
exciting to strive for.
Conclusion:
Whew! Love sure is challenging. In fact, many of us may wonder
if it is worth it at times, especially after most of us have
experienced painful breakups and/or divorces at one time or another.
It is difficult enough to navigate around our own emotions &
experiences, none the less navigate around someone else's. But
as the saying goes, "good things never come easy",
and love is the best of all things.
Connections with other human beings, particularly our most intimate
of relationships, is the true substance of life. In the end,
it is what really matters. I don't' believe we are born into
this world just to run scared from love, wear nice clothes, and
pay our bills on time. There's just got to be more.
We are meant to experience the fullness of life, including romantic
relationships, and we are born wired with the ability to do so.
Believe in your ability to navigate the challenging terrains
of romantic relationships. We all just need to find the courage
to swim in the mystery of it all, to let go, and to love.
Kerry Cannava is the founder and creator
of the award-winning web site Embracing Your Spirit: www.embracingyourspirit.com.
She lives in Islip, New York. You can email Kerry at kerry@embracingyourspirit.com
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By Kerry
Cannava