Sometimes there can be a
lot of love between two people, and yet the relationship is characterized
by struggle and pain. When this happens, one of the people involved
may be suffering from love addiction. An addiction to love can
happen in various relationships, including partners, parent/child,
friendship, religious leaders or gurus. The love addict places
the other person above them, and focuses obsessively on him or
her. The addict has unrealistic expectations of the other, anticipating
continuous unconditional positive regard, and that the other
will always respond in a way that meets the addict's needs. Things
may seem to be going smoothly, when suddenly there is an issue
about the addict's needs not being met. Often conflict or distance
ensues, as the partner feels no matter what he or she does, it
is never enough for the addict. Love addicts tend not to take
very good care of themselves and their own needs, expecting that
their partner, if love is true, will anticipate and fulfill them.
The love addict fears abandonment, and holds a fantasy or delusion
that the other will fill a void and bring the happiness that
has been missing from the addict's life. There is a classic cycle,
in which the addict first meets someone with whom they hope to
live out the childhood fantasy of being rescued. They remain
in denial about whatever inappropriate behaviors may characterize
the partner, and do everything in their power to make the relationship
work. When this fails, the addict withdraws for a time, but then
resumes obsessing and fantasizing about the relationship, or
begins the cycle again with a new partner.
Recovery involves taking responsibility for giving unconditional
love and warm personal regard to oneself. It also requires ceasing
to think of any other person as all-powerful or perfect. Finally,
it requires giving up the notion that someone else will take
care of us. As adults, we have the ability to take care of ourselves,
and to ensure that our own needs and wants are being met. Sometimes
we must release our hold on another, and claim our power ourselves.
This is the beginning of a profound process of self-healing:
bringing ourselves back to wholeness. It may feel awkward, even
lonely, at first. However, once we have become the source of
our own comfort, stability and happiness, life is no longer a
roller coaster of emotions. We can choose to be independent,
or in a relationship - our survival no longer depends on having
someone there. When others enter our lives, we can objectively
decide if there is a good fit, for friendship or partnership.
If so, we proceed. If not, we respectfully allow others to be
who they are, without judgment, and move on. It is only when
we become emotionally healthy ourselves that we can even hope
to maintain a healthy relationship with another. We, and the
others in our lives, deserve no less.
Gwen Randall-Young is a Chartered
Psychologist in private practice in Sherwood Park. She is the
author of the books Dancing Soul: The Voice of Spirit Evolving,
Echoes Through Time: A Message of Healing for Men, and Baby Soul:
A Blessing of Spirit, and audiocassettes Healing the Past: A
Meditation for Wholeness, and After Recess: (a relaxation tape
for the elementary classroom.), A World of Kindness: Experiencing
Personal and Global Harmony. Email:
gwendall@shaw.ca Website:www.gwen.ca
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