Then gradually, over months of therapy,
Dr. Parsons was able to elicit more and more information about
the healthy Jack. At some point the focus of the sessions shifted
from Jack's ineptitude to aspects of his life that he had mastered.
Jack began to identify with his strength and take pride in it.
Eventually he dropped his addiction entirely. Dr. Parsons was
the first therapist who was able to accomplish this extraordinary
transformation with this patient.
We might apply this powerful technique
to our relationships. Many of us have become so steeped in what
is wrong with ourselves in relationship that dysfunction becomes
our accepted norm. We are so expert in why we can't commit; or
keep attracting abusive partners; or how our parent's poor role
model squashed our self-esteem; or why we can't forgive ourselves
or our partner; or; or; or . . . that we talk ourselves out of
the possibility of real love. As Dr. Phil might ask, "And
just how has that been working for you?"
If your relationship is not working, I invite you to adopt a
radical attitude, perhaps one you have not tried: You were born
to enjoy a rewarding relationship and you can have one now. And
your role in creating it? Quit complaining about what you don't
want and start celebrating what you do want - and may already
have. The secret of relationship is the same as living in California:
Don't dwell on the faults.
There is a new field of corporate consulting that is catching
on in a powerful way. It is called Appreciative Inquiry. In
this modality, consultants do not ask their clients what is not
working and then try to find ways to fix it; instead, they invite
their clients to talk about what is working and why. Appreciative
Inquiry practitioners have found that once people get back
in touch with the original vision they set out to achieve in
their business and find evidence for its reality, they are able
to solve problems from an entirely more empowering perspective.
Albert Einstein noted that you can never solve a problem from
the same level the problem exits; you must step higher so you
can see the whole picture more clearly. A Course in Miracles
puts it this way: "You cannot be your own guide to miracles,
for it is you who made them necessary in the first place."
Before you attempt to handle a personal or relationship challenge,
step onto higher ground. Get in touch with yourself, your spirit,
your higher power. Before you try to correct, connect. Remember
who you are in your strength, not your fear or separateness.
Recall what you love and appreciate about your partner, and why
you are with them. Claim full responsibility for igniting yourself,
and let them off the hook as the source of your joy or sorrow.
Bring a whole person to your partner, and that is who you will
call forth in them.
I did a radio interview with Dr. George Love, a holistic health
practitioner. During the interview, I asked the doctor, "Is
Love your real name?"
"Yes, it has been my family name for generations,"
he answered. "In fact, when I was a child, other kids would
ask me that. When I told them it was my real name, they would
beat me up. Do you have any idea why that happened?"
I thought for a moment and then answered,
"I guess a lot of people are just afraid of love."
In a way I was joking, but I was actually being serious. A lot
of people are afraid of love - so much so, that when we come
close to it, we find ways to run away from it. I find it insane
that we would turn our back on the thing we crave the most -
and the thing we are the most. We are like the people Plato described,
who live in a dark cave for so long that when they finally see
some light their eyes hurt and they run back into the darkness.
But the darkness is not our destiny. No matter how thick your
dossier of what has gone wrong, you can start a new dossier now.
All it takes is one person who is willing to see your higher
possibilities. And if no one out there is doing that, let that
one person be you. Quit identifying with your difficulties, finding
justifications for them, and arguing them. Become a force for
your own potential. Shift your attention to what is going right
and how great it could be.
Take the affirmation, "I am always
doing better than I think I am," for you are. Look your
beloved in the eye and find the person you fell in love with.
They are in there, and so are you. Fall in love with yourself
and your life, and you will enjoy the Valentine's Day of a lifetime.
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The
Addict and the Sage by Alan Cohen